Crossing Church | Tacoma, WA

Testimony ~ May 6, 2007

By Brenda B.

It was seven Sundays ago, that I sat somewhere back there (pointing to the back of the sanctuary) – listening to someone standing right up here.

I was a bubbling brew of conflicting emotions and chaotic thoughts, but I hung on every word. I listened with a respectful, yet cautious reserve. After all, I’ve been in and out of a lot of different churches throughout my life and I’ve heard some pretty good preaching . . . And now here I was again, listening as yet another speaker recount her personal history of trial and tribulation – but, I found myself becoming intrigued in spite of myself. I mean if God can help her . . .

Of course there was emotional talk of transformation, a concept I’m not unfamiliar with. I’ve read the stories in the Bible. Saul becoming Paul, for example, as God radically transforms him from a persecutor of Christians to a converter for His cause.

Yea – so I’d heard it, I’d read it, I’d maybe even seen it – I actually think I’d brushed up against it once or twice. But now, for the life of me, I couldn’t tell you what IT was.

But here I am searching for it. So I try to quiet my thoughts and focus on the testimony being delivered before me, mindful of the desperation that has brought me through the doors this day.

I know that time is running out.

I fight to suppress the discouraging thoughts that this is just another exercise in futility.

Every fiber of my being screams for deliverance.

Just three days prior I sat in this same building with Marcia and Alla, inquiring about the Lake House and Crossing’s restoration ministry – recounting my own testimony, absent the joy and victory that was now being expressed before me by the speaker in front of the congregation.

I thought about the words that I shared with Alla and Marcia before they graciously and lovingly prayed over me: “I don’t know what God wants me to do. I’m so far away from Him – I can’t hear Him anymore, I haven’t heard Him for a long time . . . and I just can’t seem to find my way home.” I recalled how I had known Him from my youth. How at times, I had walked with Him, communed with Him and how inevitably I had walked away from Him.

I’d tried to return before, hence the prior revolving door church experiences. At times, I must confess, the attempts to rekindle a relationship were more rooted in a current misfortune, meaning: I could really use Daddy’s help to bail me out of this predicament. Other times however, were true attempts, I believe, for a sincere reconciliation with my Heavenly Father. For I’d long since come to the conclusion that all the things I’d left Him for, had left me empty.

But what I don’t think I fully appreciated was the devastating impact of all the destructive means and measures by which I sought to fill that emptiness.

Yet, I continued in vain attempting to fill that emptiness, on my own (thank you, very much) – only to discover that there was no solace in my solitude, only an isolation in which the drinks were never strong enough, nor the highs high enough or long enough, nor the money plentiful enough, nor the pursuits fulfilling enough, nor the people sincere enough, reliable enough, trustworthy enough . . .

Hec, it finally began to dawn on me I couldn’t even trust or rely on myself.

As I sat in front of Alla and Marcia just broken, it was hard to believe that just 18 months ago I had begun my dream job, as an Office Coordinator for a group of Cardiothoracic Surgeons – the medical elite. I was at the top of my game. I had a high profile job that showcased my skills and was suitable for my driven, independent nature. I was well respected in the medical community with ten years experience in my field. Even a year ago the compliments and accolades were flowing in as the results of my revamping this and restructuring that, improving efficiency . . . et cetera, et cetera . . .

On the personal front, I was purchasing my own home. I’d almost paid off my car and most importantly my two children, whom I’d raised as a single mother were well on their way to graduating from private, Christian Colleges (realizing what had once been a personal dream of mine, I’d never had the opportunity to pursue).

But in the end, all of the victories proved shallow, surface success - completely incapable of covering my sins.

The cracks that had been apparent throughout the years became crevices and then craters appeared and just over six months ago – everything collapsed.

I was fired from my job – returning from a week’s vacation, in which we took my son back to his senior year of college. I had been drinking heavily the whole time and I couldn’t (or wouldn’t) detoxify. I showed up at work drunk – this big mistake negated the previous ten years of professional excellence.

I not only lost my job – I lost my self-respect, my dignity, the respect of coworkers, family, well everyone. I lost my paycheck, my healthcare and this was just the beginning.

It astounds me even now how thoroughly I trashed my life within a six-month span of time.

I came to the Crossing (church) like so many others, I have since discovered – with nowhere else to go. The results of my sin, which had already cost me virtually everything, was eagerly prepared to strip away what little remained. And there was nothing it seemed that could stem this tide.

Facing foreclosure and the inevitable homelessness paled in comparison to that which I’d already lost – HOPE.

I was now nothing more than a stumbling drunk, resorting to theft, shoplifting and other deplorable acts to support a habit I no longer wanted – but could not break.

I was a prisoner in need of restoration. Crying out for freedom, but with all my strength nearly gone – I couldn’t have crawled home to my Holy Father if I had known the way. But PRAISE GOD, he dragged me in here.

And let me tell you what I found: First - everything I thought I knew, I knew not. Although I knew I sinned and was ready and willing to confess my sin – I couldn’t even get that right, because I didn’t comprehend what my real sin was.

Sadly enough my sin was much deeper than I’d ever imagined.

When I walked away from my Holy Father – I’d walked straight into the arms of the enemy.

This wasn’t a youthful indiscretion. This was reveling in rebellion.

I rejected my Father, not only His love, but I abandoned His truth. I chose to embrace the lies of the enemy. And yet I am somehow ignorant of this and actually am surprised that these lies have ensnared me and enslaved me.

But guess what Satan – I now confess this Sin Of Rebellion!

And now I not only Hear my Father’s Voice – I have discovered what IT IS that has transformed my life – what TRUE RESTORATION IS – IT IS POWER. I have been uplifted and made new by a power that flows from love through the Holy Spirit.

Power that I have access to, as a child of God, bought back by the blood of Jesus.

Power by the Authority of the KING of KINGS bestowed on little ol’ me.

I repent of my rebellious ways. I reject Satan’s hold on me through lies and deception – it is broken off.

I submit to the Authority of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and I accept his forgiveness, his sacrifice, his Holy Spirit. And embrace HIS POWER, HIS LOVE, HIS REDEMPTION and celebrate with all of you, my brothers and sisters,
THE VICTORY.